Segway: The Transportation of the Future?

The first two weeks of the semester I continually saw a middle-aged man around campus on a segway. Now up until this time, the only place I saw segways being used were those rented by a father and son at The Gateway Mall in Salt Lake and the security guards at the Cottonwood Mall. Of course, my first reaction every time I see a person riding a segway is to laugh most heartily. Middle-age Segway Guy was no exception. He even gave me a few laughs. Not only did he buy into the transportation of the future, which failed miserably, but he is proclaiming to the world that he is lazy. He may be using his chosen form of transportation to get around campus fast but there are plenty of other forms that require at least some kind of exercise. Everything about this man screams make fun of me. He could create the illusion that he is one tough segway rider by wearing a cool leather jacket, getting a few tattoos and wearing a bandanna for a helmet substitution. But instead he wears a helmet, a backpack and to top it all off a fanny pack. Obviously this man is a huge fan of failed lame inventions.

Weeks later after the last Middle-age Segway Guy sighting I was starting feel bad about making fun of him. I started to feel sorry for the Middle-aged Segway Guy. He was clearly taken advantage by a malicious segway salesman. Who, I'm sure, filled his head with images of a world where everyone owned "The Transportation of the Future." With promises of a Jetsons like world fast approaching, Middle-aged Segway Guy eagerly bought one in wants to be part of this great technology revolution only to become mocked by a college student. These were the thoughts that mostly preoccupied me while riding the bus or walking on campus. I was even thinking about writing his biography until one fateful day.

I was on my way to Ortega Hall for class. I was running late so I was kind of walking fast and now that look back on it probably erratically. Due to the insane amount of construction occurring on campus, my usual route to class was blocked so I decided to cut across an elevated grass area. I learned that another quality feature of a segway is its stealthiness. I stepped down and started walking towards Ortega. Luckily at that moment I looked up as the Middle-aged Segway Guy came charging full speed ahead towards me. I manged to step back in time to avoid a collision with Segway Guy's segway. I stood in disbelief as I watched him take off in all his fanny pack wearing segway glory. The IRONY! I detected no hint of hesitation, no desperate attempt to slow down or swerve out of the way. He wanted to run me down with his segway. Who knows what he would have done with my body? Probably chop me up into tiny pieces, stuff my pieces into his fanny pack and dump me into the perfect body dumping pond in Socorro.

This attempt to take my life calls for desperate measures! I have decided to start a segway gang. Now this isn't going to be your everyday gang, I'm talking West Side Story style gang with a lot of snapping. I'm in the process of writing some songs. We will be called Sweet Segway Revenge. Of course, we'll have leather jackets and bandannas. Our segways will be equipped with spikes on the sides of our wheels and other intimidating paraphernalia. We'll ride onto campus, hunt down Middle-aged Segway Guy then we'll circle around him on our segways taunting, singing/snapping and making fun of his fanny pack. The climax, Middle-aged Segway Guy and I segway race, Ben-Hur style. I could take the less violent route and start a student organization called Students Against Reckless Segways, SARS for short.

For those who want to join Sweet Segway Revenge or SARS, there will be a meeting October 20th at 4 pm on the 3rd floor of the SUB.

NOTE: No meeting will actually take place.